Can't sleep. Everytime my head touches the pillow I hear my heartbeat pounding through my skull. Doesn't matter which side of my head. All sides equally amplify. Maybe it was the wine. Maybe it was the cheese. Cheese is probably not the best idea before bed. Maybe I'll have nightmares again.
These days are passing too fast. It only occurred to me 5 minutes ago when I realised it is now the 11th of April. I have less than a week. God damn it.
It's funny how certain numbers are time thresholds. In this instance, it was the calendar getting to 11. Not the jump into double digits but the number 11. Another example is when I consider it to be 'late' at night. It always happens at 37 past. The hour varies depending on when I have to be up. On a night I had to work in the morning, it became late at exactly 12.37am. On a normal night it would be 1.37am. Sometimes 2.37am. Probably more often it's 2.37. It's always at 37 past. I don't know why that is.
It's a good thing I came here. Aside from the obvious reasons, I'm just glad I've had France redeemed for me. Paris ate my soul in January and I had to get back into this country to get it back. The French outside of Paris really are better in every way. It can be tiresome at times I suppose. The double-kiss hello grates on me sometimes. On the whole though, I've been liking the feel of the culture. The food has been good. I've had a few home cooked meals with French families that have been delicious. Eating copious amounts of bread and cheese has been good too. It stirs up a lot of memories of home, and a happier time before Grant Street got out of hand.
I went and helped baby sit some French kids which was a blast. I'm not sure whether or not to be proud of the fact, but I totally kicked one of the kids asses at Mario Kart Wii. I was going to let him win, but he was trash-talking me in French so I rose to the occasion. After that things got physical. Spent a few hours having kids piling on top of me on the floor. Then I had the bright idea to start picking them up, throwing them up, spinning them round, hanging them upside down, and all the other tricks in the repertoire. They got a little over-excited. It'll be interesting to see how it goes down when I see them again this week.
So it's Easter weekend now. For a change this is a public holiday weekend where I'm not feeling alone and homesick. Nothing will go wrong for me this time. This last week has been without doubt the only time in this whole trip that I've felt truly 'at home' someplace. Even in Letterkenny with the family it wasn't this good. I'm almost too relaxed.
I wonder how I'll go for the last phase of my trip: Poland and Singapore. I guess it would be natural to think those would be two separate phases, but I'm not thinking of things in geographical terms. I have an overwhelming sense that I've found the last piece of the Triforce (if I can go all Zelda: Ocarina of Time on you). I've found so many things on this trip. So many pieces of myself that I had unknowingly scattered across the world. I've reached the end of the road of self-discovery for the time being. My quest is over. Now the last phase left is the homecoming.
Of course, that doesn't mean I still don't have a few more adventures to have along the way.
Saturday, 11 April 2009
Friday, 3 April 2009
Soldier of Fortune
Today I can't stop thinking about the way things change. It was only a few weeks ago that I was walking around Rijeka in a state of solitary delusion, thinking about buying Croatian porno magazines. Tomorrow I'm going to be in France with my girlfriend. It doesn't seem real.
I should probably pause here to mention to anyone reading this that doesn't know me very well, that I am not and have never been a 'porn guy'. This fact might give a little more insight into just how drastically different I felt a few weeks back. I've never owned porn. Never bought, stole or borrowed any. Never even downloaded any on the internet. You could say I'm the antithesis of Ian, who is probably at this very moment working on some sort of radio device to implant into his dental plate that can vibrate pornographic images through his ossicles and directly into his brain.
But enough about porn.
The important thing is how I'm feeling right now: peaceful. I feel like I'm standing in a fixed spot, watching the world turn slowly on its axis, pushing me slowly into the sunlight. This trip has really taught me to enjoy the moment. There's no more fears or anxieties. There's still a future or many futures, but I'll take that as it comes. Right now I'm content to bask in the sunshine. It feels wonderful.
I feel like I've stopped resisting some half-imagined force that's shadowed me for years. And when I stopped pushing, it didn't overwhelm me, didn't crush my bones into the dust. It stopped pushing too. A stalemate. A balance point.
I'm free-writing again and I'm a little surprised myself at what's coming out. I just feel good. I feel like I can do anything again. I've felt like this so many times during the trip. Each time I feel it I grow that little bit more in confidence. I have to hold on to this feeling. I have to apply it to other aspects of my life beyond the personal.
I should probably pause here to mention to anyone reading this that doesn't know me very well, that I am not and have never been a 'porn guy'. This fact might give a little more insight into just how drastically different I felt a few weeks back. I've never owned porn. Never bought, stole or borrowed any. Never even downloaded any on the internet. You could say I'm the antithesis of Ian, who is probably at this very moment working on some sort of radio device to implant into his dental plate that can vibrate pornographic images through his ossicles and directly into his brain.
But enough about porn.
The important thing is how I'm feeling right now: peaceful. I feel like I'm standing in a fixed spot, watching the world turn slowly on its axis, pushing me slowly into the sunlight. This trip has really taught me to enjoy the moment. There's no more fears or anxieties. There's still a future or many futures, but I'll take that as it comes. Right now I'm content to bask in the sunshine. It feels wonderful.
I feel like I've stopped resisting some half-imagined force that's shadowed me for years. And when I stopped pushing, it didn't overwhelm me, didn't crush my bones into the dust. It stopped pushing too. A stalemate. A balance point.
I'm free-writing again and I'm a little surprised myself at what's coming out. I just feel good. I feel like I can do anything again. I've felt like this so many times during the trip. Each time I feel it I grow that little bit more in confidence. I have to hold on to this feeling. I have to apply it to other aspects of my life beyond the personal.
Cheap Thrills
About an hour ago I was walking around Unter den Linden thinking about the crowds and experimenting with body language. It's amazing how much your body language can influence those around you. Sick of getting stuck behind slow-walkers and bumped out of the way by bull-walkers, I decided to shake things up. Stuck my chest out and my shoulders back. Got into character. Set my eyes kinda hard-like and walked with a slight swagger. Suddenly I had right of way. It was beautiful.
It was in this assumed tough-guy stance that a gypsy boy tried to attach himself to me like a parasite. I had my headphones on but he didn't mind. Asked if I could speak English. I shook my head and kept moving but he fell into step, with a smile and a laugh. Started to say something else. Knew I was an English speaker. Lucky for me, unlucky for him, I was too far into character to even be thinking. I just reacted. Burned a hole in his little head with my eyes. Stuck my finger in his face and told him to Fuck Off.
Should have seen the look in his eyes. Like he'd just been slapped. Took him a few heartbeats to get his head around the situation. Fell out of step with me. I had already won. Still, he had a little fight left in him. Caught up to me with a little skip, bounced his hands off his chest and threw his arms out. "Yeah... yeah... well fuck you! Fuck you!" His creaky adolescent boy-voice let him down. I laughed at his quavering, gave him a sideways glance and was gone. His feeble voice echoed after me down the street, each repetition a little more pitiful.
I walked home grinning.
It was in this assumed tough-guy stance that a gypsy boy tried to attach himself to me like a parasite. I had my headphones on but he didn't mind. Asked if I could speak English. I shook my head and kept moving but he fell into step, with a smile and a laugh. Started to say something else. Knew I was an English speaker. Lucky for me, unlucky for him, I was too far into character to even be thinking. I just reacted. Burned a hole in his little head with my eyes. Stuck my finger in his face and told him to Fuck Off.
Should have seen the look in his eyes. Like he'd just been slapped. Took him a few heartbeats to get his head around the situation. Fell out of step with me. I had already won. Still, he had a little fight left in him. Caught up to me with a little skip, bounced his hands off his chest and threw his arms out. "Yeah... yeah... well fuck you! Fuck you!" His creaky adolescent boy-voice let him down. I laughed at his quavering, gave him a sideways glance and was gone. His feeble voice echoed after me down the street, each repetition a little more pitiful.
I walked home grinning.
Thursday, 2 April 2009
Double Happy
The blood of the road still pumps through these veins.
The end is in sight but it's not here yet.
It's been a long cold lonely winter, but here comes the sun.
My listlessness and lethargy disappeared as soon as I got to Berlin.
The TV Tower looks down at me with it's ugly cross-shaped smile.
I stood on the dirt above where Hitler blew his brain out, and smiled.
I have a bottle of cherry-flavoured shower gel.
Yesterday I saw Bob play.
That sack of bones has still got it.
I have a train ticket to see my baby.
I can see the 'Die Welt' balloon rising into the skyline.
Tourists stand, looking out at the city.
Die Welt.
The World
is mine.
I can do anything and nothing can stand in my way except my own shadow.
The end is in sight but it's not here yet.
It's been a long cold lonely winter, but here comes the sun.
My listlessness and lethargy disappeared as soon as I got to Berlin.
The TV Tower looks down at me with it's ugly cross-shaped smile.
I stood on the dirt above where Hitler blew his brain out, and smiled.
I have a bottle of cherry-flavoured shower gel.
Yesterday I saw Bob play.
That sack of bones has still got it.
I have a train ticket to see my baby.
I can see the 'Die Welt' balloon rising into the skyline.
Tourists stand, looking out at the city.
Die Welt.
The World
is mine.
I can do anything and nothing can stand in my way except my own shadow.
Monday, 23 March 2009
Sunday, 22 March 2009
Hello again, old friend
It's been a few weeks since we last crossed paths. I think maybe I was avoiding you. I don't want to say I missed you. That would mean I'm getting dependent and that's the last thing I need.
In any case, you're here again now, back in my life as if you never left in the first place. Your voice is hissing in my ears like static buzz. It's making me dizzy like I'm watching the test pattern on the tv at 4am. You've turned me upside down again like you always do. I can already tell that any vague ideas I had about plans for the day have gone out the window. When you're around I can't think straight. I'm just gonna sit here awhile and try to stop the edges of my world from spinning.
You're giving me a headache. I'm not stressed out, but I can't relax properly when you're around. I want to just lie and listen to music, but I can't concentrate with you there. There's a sour taste in my mouth because of you. The people in my room aren't too happy about you either. You're too disruptive.
But I can't stay mad at you. I know we're going to keep doing this to each other. Always coming and going. You're never fully here but never quite gone. I'm glad when you're not around, but I still think about you.
Maybe it won't last forever. Maybe it will. In the meantime there's nothing for it but to welcome you back into my life, old friend.
In any case, you're here again now, back in my life as if you never left in the first place. Your voice is hissing in my ears like static buzz. It's making me dizzy like I'm watching the test pattern on the tv at 4am. You've turned me upside down again like you always do. I can already tell that any vague ideas I had about plans for the day have gone out the window. When you're around I can't think straight. I'm just gonna sit here awhile and try to stop the edges of my world from spinning.
You're giving me a headache. I'm not stressed out, but I can't relax properly when you're around. I want to just lie and listen to music, but I can't concentrate with you there. There's a sour taste in my mouth because of you. The people in my room aren't too happy about you either. You're too disruptive.
But I can't stay mad at you. I know we're going to keep doing this to each other. Always coming and going. You're never fully here but never quite gone. I'm glad when you're not around, but I still think about you.
Maybe it won't last forever. Maybe it will. In the meantime there's nothing for it but to welcome you back into my life, old friend.
Friday, 20 March 2009
Deutsches Museum
Today I went to the Deutsches Museum, not really knowing what to expect. Museums can be hit or miss. I hadn't been to one in a long time, so I was prepared for the worst case scenario: seeing the exact same things as any other museum. Things got off to a good start when I pulled off my usual 'I'm still a student' scam, and got in for 3 euros instead of 8. I wandered inside, cheerful to be out of the bitter cold and cheerful to have enough change to catch the U-Bahn back again later.
The place was enormous. I didn't know where to start so I just walked. I found myself in a hall full of engines and motors, electrical equipment, cranks to turn, buttons to press, explosions going off in the distance, electricity dancing off coils. It was like being in a mad scientist's laboratory. I was entranced. I hadn't expected this at all. I wandered around, and gazed for a time at a massive Porsche engine that could get a 1 and a half tonne car to 100km/h in 5.9s. I stared in wonder at the poorly translated information, and I marveled at the contraption itself. It's strange metallic parts. Pistons and pumps and all things that I don't know the slightest thing about. Not for the first time in my life, I felt that strange pang, that wistful fleeting feeling, that wish that that spark of interest was just that bit bigger and I could be more like Dad and be into the car thing.
I wandered through every field of science, a new one in each room. It's easy to see why so many scientists (or 'natural philosophers' as it were) were multi-disciplinary beings, following their diverse interests to wherever they took them. The world's too damn interesting to specialise in just one thing.
Then I found the good stuff: the aviation section, and the space section. I wandered around taking photos of flying things like my life depended on it. I felt a bit giddy, and I must have been grinning like an idiot.
I don't know how many hours I wandered through that enormous place... more than 3 but I'm not sure how many more. It was a good day. After that I went walking in the soft snow-flaky air until I found myself at Odeonsplatz. I bought a hot chocolate at a Starbucks to warm my hands, and kept walking towards the hostel. In an underpass a young German-speaker approached me asking for help. He didn't know how to get to Ostbahnhof. What is it about me? I always get asked these things. Matt the Integrator. He was a cute kid, roughly my age, and I tried to help him out as best I could. I walked on, whistling to myself and passing the hot plastic cup from hand to hand.
I think the reason I enjoyed the museum so much is that it made me remember something about myself. Something I haven't thought about for a really long time: that I am such a boy sometimes. Haha.
The place was enormous. I didn't know where to start so I just walked. I found myself in a hall full of engines and motors, electrical equipment, cranks to turn, buttons to press, explosions going off in the distance, electricity dancing off coils. It was like being in a mad scientist's laboratory. I was entranced. I hadn't expected this at all. I wandered around, and gazed for a time at a massive Porsche engine that could get a 1 and a half tonne car to 100km/h in 5.9s. I stared in wonder at the poorly translated information, and I marveled at the contraption itself. It's strange metallic parts. Pistons and pumps and all things that I don't know the slightest thing about. Not for the first time in my life, I felt that strange pang, that wistful fleeting feeling, that wish that that spark of interest was just that bit bigger and I could be more like Dad and be into the car thing.
I wandered through every field of science, a new one in each room. It's easy to see why so many scientists (or 'natural philosophers' as it were) were multi-disciplinary beings, following their diverse interests to wherever they took them. The world's too damn interesting to specialise in just one thing.
Then I found the good stuff: the aviation section, and the space section. I wandered around taking photos of flying things like my life depended on it. I felt a bit giddy, and I must have been grinning like an idiot.
I don't know how many hours I wandered through that enormous place... more than 3 but I'm not sure how many more. It was a good day. After that I went walking in the soft snow-flaky air until I found myself at Odeonsplatz. I bought a hot chocolate at a Starbucks to warm my hands, and kept walking towards the hostel. In an underpass a young German-speaker approached me asking for help. He didn't know how to get to Ostbahnhof. What is it about me? I always get asked these things. Matt the Integrator. He was a cute kid, roughly my age, and I tried to help him out as best I could. I walked on, whistling to myself and passing the hot plastic cup from hand to hand.
I think the reason I enjoyed the museum so much is that it made me remember something about myself. Something I haven't thought about for a really long time: that I am such a boy sometimes. Haha.
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